Hold the Mayo

December 01, 2006

The Disappearance of Governor Higgens

I was searching through some drawers looking for some papers that I need and cannot find, when I came across a group of very old looking folders. The one on top was labeled "Misc Drafts and Abandoned Ideas." I had found the long lost fiction of my youth. I won't offer much in the way of editorial comment except to say that it was hard to read while shaking my head and laughing. But I had promised once that if I ever found this stuff that I would share it.

I'll start with something from the Misc Drafts and Abandoned Ideas folder, though at this point I think they could all be safely classified as abandoned. It's one of the shortest at 8 still fan-folded pages. I'll do my best to reproduce it as written making only spelling and typing corrections and the few edits penciled on the print.

The Disappearance of Governor Higgens
c. 1990

The sound of my alarm clock was a sound that I hated more than any other sound produced by man. Yet despite this loathing, I reached out blindly to hit the button that would silence it for nine minutes. When it rang again I accepted the fact that I would have to open my eyes and face another day.

It had been a normally long and bleak winter that year, with a normal amount of snowfall and a normal number of days when the temperature failed to reach zero degrees fahrenheit. The days have, thankfully, grown longer and warmer and the clocks have been turned back an hour. But this was not meant to be a chronicle of the passing of the seasons, there would be no point in that. One would be wasting a considerable amount of time and energy to tell a tale which can be observed through the window of any home. The purpose here is to set down in words the truth. For, the truth be known, the story of the disappearance of William Higgens has become distorted in its many retellings. having been and acquaintance of Willie's, that is what he was called by his friends, I was the last to have seen him before he left. With which statement I have given an early hint and to the end of this tale. Nonetheless, to set the record straight I will divulge the circumstances that lead to this event as told me by Willie himself. I met Willie on the night of his departure, which as everyone knows coincides with the night he was elected governor, at the corner table of a quiet and financially doomed bar and grille.

"You might be wondering what I'm doing in a place such as this having just won the best seat in the state. Have a seat and I'll fill you in if you don't mind listening to the tale."

Willie was buying the beer, and I had no pressing business requiring my attention so I agreed to listen to his story. It was a story that would have been worth hearing had I been forced to buy my own refreshment.

William Higgens, according to his words, had absolutely no desire to be governor. He had in fact no desire for any sort of public life whatever. What he wanted was to lead the quit life of a small businessman, marry a charming woman and produce a comfortable family.

Having heard this from Wilile's own mouth I began to doubt that he was in full control of his mental faculties. As you recall, his campaign for governor was one the likes of which this state has never seen. Willie was a member of no political party, and more often than not never even bothered to vote. He had little money of his own to speak of, and outside of his friends I'd say scarcely one hundred men knew his name. In this day and age it would seem that any sort of campaign from Willie would be pointless. One television advertisement would have put him so deep into debt that he would have been forced out of the race. And these were all points his friends mentioned when the Gazette printed the story announcing his candidacy.

Willie ran as an independent, in more ways than one. He was free from the rules of party membership, he ran independent of any sort of political ideology or platform.

He got his face on television thanks to the rules of the federal government requiring that he be given "equal time," and managed to get his name in nearly every newspaper in the state.

He campaigned single-handedly. Which is to say that he was also independent of any assistance. His headquarters was a 1985 Ford Escort which from the day he announced his candidacy was rarely seen parked in its driveway. His strategy was to arrive in a town unannounced, stand on a crate he carried in his headquarters, and begin to speak. Willie could never be accused of saying too much that meant anything in these speeches. Nor could he be accused of ever having said the same thing very often. These performances, that is the only thing they can be rightfully called, had the character and flavor of the sort of performance given by a man running a game of Three Card Monty on the corner of some city street.

Every now and then, some clever member of the crowd that gathered or some reporter from from the local paper would question Willie trying to pin him to a definitive position on the issues of the day. It was then that Willie's act took on the aspect of a street corner preacher reacting to the blasphemous question of an agnostic. Occasionally the questioner would try to persevere but in the end, Willie always seemed to win. And much to his delight the crowd invariably cheered these victories.

As Willie related this to me I listened patiently. All of this I knew well, but I suspected that he was about to reveal the facts that would explain the madness of his campaign. I've always been told that patience will be rewarded so I instructed Willie that we were in need of refill of our glasses before he could continue. And when he did, i got my reward.

Two days before the announcement of his campaign, a man walked into the stationery shop Willy ran on Main Street. The man was a stranger to Willie, but a stranger with something very familiar about him. The man browsed for a moment, picking up and setting down some of Willie's finest quality goods not seeming to find what he wanted. Though Willie felt at the time that the man had no interest in making any purchase.

He approached the counter and introduced himself as James W. Forts, candidate for governor from the Democratic party.

"Mr. Higgens," forts said after he had learned the name, "I would like to ask you for the most unusual service. I would like you to enter the race for governor as my opponent."

Willie was a little taken aback by the request and informed Mr. Forts that he had absolutely no interest in being governor, and even less therefore in mounting a campaign for the office. Mr. Forts had anticipated this argument and was prepared with an answer.

"I can perfectly understand your position Mr. Higgens but hear me out if you will. As you well know the incumbent governor running for re-election on the Republican ticket is very well hated in this state, and not without reason. I, therefore, find myself running what amounts to an unopposed campaign. Mr. Higgens, I am a man of ideas. Ideas that I think will be of substantial benefit to this state. I am sure however, that to put my ideas before the people in the campaign as it stands now will not spark much interest. To put it shortly, Mr. Higgens what I require is a foil. The people are not accustomed to see a man running for an office but rather two men competing for a crown. the proposal I have is this. I will quite happily, should you accept my offer, grant you the sum of $10,000 with which to wage your campaign. The conditions are that you must wage a sufficient campaign. You may run on any platform you wish so long as you make the necessary noise. If you fulfill these conditions you will receive an additional $10,000 for your troubles. If, however, you fail to uphold your end of the bargain, you will be forced to pay. I know I will not be able to retrieve the money I give you, nut remember I will be governor and not without some authority to secure retribution should you decide to cross me. So, Mr. Higgens, are these terms agreeable to you?"

Willie accepted.

I asked him how he expected to convince Mr. Forts to come forward with the second $10,000 one the election was completed. Willie assured me that he felt he could trust the gentleman.

The following day Mr. Forts returned and gave Willie $10,000 in cash, and the campaign was underway.

At this point in Willie's tale a third party joined us at our table. The gentleman joining us was none other than Mr. James W. Forts. A man who looked as though he had just suffered a devastating defeat.

"Mr. Higgens, you have held up your end of our bargain most admirably. You have in fact done much more than I expected, and certainly more than I had hoped. I wish you the best of luck in your term as governor."

Forts reached into the pocket of his coat and produced a thick envelope and passed it to Willie. It undoubtedly contained the second $10,000. Forts announced that he must return to his headquarters where the press was expecting him to make some sort of statement.

Willie stood shortly after Forts left and shook my hand. He turned to leave then turned to me with a slight smile and said, "Forts would have been the best governor this state has had in years. That is why I voted for him."

Willie walked out the door of the bar and grille with $10,000 cash in his pocket, and that was the last time he was ever seen.

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at 05:12 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment